SpinninSpinninSpinnin

I’ve been having 2 odd dreams lately, They have been: Me running away from zombies and trying to survive with my friends. Felicia has always been at my side as well as Jake, Ozzy, And I can’t tell the fourth person. We are always running and fighting in a ‘Dead rising mmo type world’. It always ends when we get to an industrial building, that is a type of shelter being raided. (It reminds me of a level in BF3 oddly enough).

“To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.”

The second one is pretty simple:

I’m driving a Lamborghini through the mountains, just feeling the rush and roar of the engine as I go faster and faster, Eventually I almost hit a wall and I get sent flying off onto another road, I roll and tumble but My wheels land on the ground and I go speeding off faster then before, Eventually I hit a cliff and smash into a wall. I bounce off the wall and fall to the ground spinning. My “Minds eye” Zooms out on the crash so I can see just what happened. I’m dead. There is oil and blood mixed on the ground. The car is totaled. End.

“To dream that you drive off a mountain road suggests that the higher you climb in life, the harder it is to stay at the top. You feel that your advanced position is a precarious one. It takes hard work to remain at the top. You may also feel that you are not able to measure up to the expectations of others.”

“To dream that you are in a car crash indicates that your beliefs, lifestyle, or goals are clashing with another’s. It may also represent a shocking situation or painful experience. Alternatively, car crashes may forewarn of your dangerous or careless driving habits.”

I feel in my life that I’m going down the wrong path and I’m out of control(driving), My friends have said it, and so have my family. I party to much, I don’t do good in school and I’ve been neglecting the ones I care about.

I’m also scared about the future, Scared that I won’t amount to anything. I think that I will be trapped (zombie) in a dead end job. And I won’t be able to live in the future.

I’m writing this because I want to hear about other peoples dreams.

Possibly help them understand there life. As I’m understanding mine at the same time.

The Lowest point in my life.

Has hit. It’s been a week since she broke me and I’m feeling worse, everything seems surreal, We always told each other that we would be there for each other. Never leave, Always love. But I have learned that there is never “Love”. Never happiness, There is nothing. I am nothing. I don’t want to love again, I know I fucked up. I know my attitude changed when I hit the raving scene, I thought I was “hot shit” And I took it out on you, I’m sorry for that I really am, You made me see that. You made me so happy I just couldn’t show it, and when I did it was either to late or not in the right way. Before I got into the Rave scene All I did was love her play video games and well..Love her, everything changed, I couldn’t handle myself at all anymore. I would sit there and try to think and I would have so many random thoughts running through my head it would make me angry and stressed. I didn’t know how to “Calm down” I didn’t know how to find that medium in between Girlfriend, Job, School, Gaming, Learning to Dj,The hookah lounge and going to raves. I just couldn’t do it. So I took it out on her. I made her resent me, I made her almost hate me with my attitude. I fucking hate it, I lost the best thing in my life…all because I couldn’t handle anything. I never stopped to ask, What would you like to do? How am I treating you? How can I change? I would always take what she said and just box it up and throw it away, I couldn’t listen to her My mind wouldn’t let me, I knew it was the right thing I just couldn’t change because I had other things on my mind at the time, I couldn’t see how I could change. What the necessary steps were. And I would lash out and forget, It would be the same 2 week cycle.

Hurt>Change>Paradise>Revert>Hurt>Change>paradise

And I fucking hate myself for that, I took so much away from her. Some days I would be fine, Others I would be so caught up in myself it’s incredible. All I wanted was to try to build a life for us. That was the true goal I didn’t live in the now and She left. I lived for the future I shouldn’t have fucking done that, I should have noticed the signs. It’s kinda humorous I kept seeing stuff like “Live for today!” “Don’t live in the future let it come”. Who would have thought that this would happen. I was so insecure..I thought she would leave me for the slightest reasons. She is so beautiful and funny and a great person, why would she want to be with me? I’m Average at best. I’m a dick, and an Asshole. I deserve everything I got.

Everyone is telling me “You’ll be fine” “She wasn’t good for you, you guys fought a lot” “Don’t worry your good looking, you have a great personality, you’ll find someone who deserves you” I found that someone, And It fucking ended, We have been through so much, More then a lot of people know. We know things about each other we connected on levels that transcended  a lot of bullshit. I wish I could go back in time and beat my own fucking ass, I hate myself. I drove her away, This situation is horrible, It’s not like I can apologize for something and maybe get her back. I can’t. I know I’m never going to get her back, I’m going to turn into one of those men who has “The one who got away” and I will always regret what I did, and it fucking kills me. I miss her so god damn much. I hate to

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u-ok:

aww that’s cute

..wait

hold the fuck up

isn’t that a…

and that’s up her..

(Source: dekutree)